To say I’ve been in a weird place mentally for awhile now would be an understatement of the largest kind. I’m just all kinds of all over the place and really don’t have a direction except work, drink, sleep, fuck, wash, rinse, repeat, wipe hands on pants.

Work is my total life right now. Kind of crazy for a part time job. But it’s what I love and even though things aren’t perfect where I work, I love the pirate ship feeling of the whole thing. There’s only like three people in the programming department and we all lean on each other pretty hard. Because we have to. And I like that.

I find myself letting go of old hurts. Of old things that actually mattered to me more than most people know and trying to embrace what I have.  It’s hard because I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over it and what was taken from me.  But I’m trying.

I woke up with this song in my head. It’s true.

Face to Face – “Disconnected”
you don’t know a thing about me
is there something you should know?
I can tell you what you want to hear
let your inhibitions just go

no, you don’t know what you will give up
you don’t know what you want
it may take you years to find out
you don’t know what you need
it’s something that may never come to you

trust is something that comes easy
when you’ve never been a victim
lies and promises and words are said
it’s you’re decision to accept them

no, you don’t know what you will give up
you don’t know what you want
it may take you years to find out
you don’t know what you need
it’s something that may never come to you

After much drama, I HAVE THE INTERNET AGAIN. WHICH MEANS I’LL POST AGAIN.

morning noon and night

gotta wash that fine cuisine down with something

so nice that my debt collectors keep sending me coasters

daily pose at work

this is an alternate look for me

And honestly the only things keeping my head above water are:

the blood is the life

yapping into one of these

wearing these every day

Some random compliments and a dream that some day this is going to get better and I’ll be able to live like a real person instead of a broke ass college student or something.

Dear Maine,

Please be smarter than California and come out against Prop 1. Love is for everyone.

Thank you.

Discotrash

I know, I know I’ve been a shitty blogger but we just don’t have internet at home and I don’t get on much at work, although that’s where I am now, borrowing the connection and catching up on some stuff. Luckily I am blessed to work for some one hella cool who understands this no internet at home thing sucks.

Anyway in the spirit of the holiday I want to share my favorite spooky band with you and a story.

I never saw 45 Grave as this incarnation, but I did see them later on as Penis Flytrap. They played at the Bar Sinister in Los Angeles. This is a place I went with semi alarming regularity (although I did get kicked out of the “fetish room,” once for laughing) and yeah I was a gothic dork, sue my ass.

Anyway this night I got to see what was essentially 45 Grave for 10 bucks on the patio at Sinister. And I was in the very front of the stage. And during the course of the show not only did Dinah Cancer touch me, at the end when I finally met her, she gave me a Halloween pumpkin bucket that was just filled with random cool crap. Spider rings, candy, etc. And she was gorgeous even though at the time she had to be like in her mid 40’s and this was well over eight years ago. She seemed to be amused to hear that I had paid an astronomical amount to see her earlier that year with one of the girls that used to sing with Rozz Williams.

Anyway… Happy Halloween. I hope to be back online with some regularity in the future. And if you’re looking for stuff to read, click that Sex is… ad on my page. Seriously.

Over the weekend our indoor cat got out and got away from Hobo Island. I of course was frantic and spent a great deal of time crawling around the neighborhood looking for her with a Virgin Mary candle and crying. I must have looked pretty crazy when I ran into a couple that lives in the condos next door to Hobo Island because they set out to help me start finding her.

Five people and about an hour later we finally hearded the cat inside and all was well.

The next day we came home to find a new flashlight on our doorstep with this note:

It made me feel good about life for a minute and I just wanted to share…

I’d like to blog and bring you up to date on how hobotastic my life is but you see my cable has been shut off. So this is coming straight off my iPhone (3 g service my fucking ass). In theory I’ll have the tubes up and running again soon or will steal some net time at the office after I clock out someday this week. Ugh.

I am too old to be living like a broke college student but this is the magic of radio…

home sweet home

I have to say that being back at work is really changing my frame of mind. At least for five to six hours a day, I know what I’m doing and what I want to get done. I know the language. I know the feel and the look and how to get it done. I put my head phones on and I’m just home for once.

I realize it sounds silly, but we’re a lot like circus people or gypsies or family. You put two people in the business in a room for five minutes and usually they know some of the same people on down the line. Or they have some horror story to share that ends in hysterical laughter. You look into their faces telling these stories and you just know. You’re kin. You’re very much the same, because it takes a certain kind of person to do this. While some people will go in and out of the biz because they just don’t have the heart to stick with it because it is hard. It is sacrifice sometimes. Like do I want to pay this bill or that bill this month because I only have XXX amount of money left from my check and no remotes or club gigs, so is it the cable or the phone that’s getting shut off this month? And which flavor of cup o’ noodles am I living off of this week? Which bars do I have love at, so I can get a little drink on after a grueling day? Who still has love for me at this venue or that venue so I can see a show and not throw down my gas money for the next week? How many holidays do I have to miss with my family because I have to be on the air?  Is the phone going to wake me up at 3am because something broke at the station? Do I care that I just left there three hours ago and it’s time to go back?

But when you love it, like I do, like most of us do, these things don’t matter. Sure it’s great to make gobs of money like I used to and be able to live your life and do what you love without worry, but it’s also just great to be doing what you love surrounded by people who truly understand you and would do anything for you, even if they just met you a few days previous, because you’re all the same and they know you’d do it for them. It’s a good feeling. I’m glad to be home.

In the Blog world you make a lot of friends. Some of my favorite meet-ups have been with BetheBoy and Slackmistress. These are two people who invited me to sleep on their couch after meeting me like four hours earlier.

BetheBoy lost his father last night. I don’t have any words to make that feel less awful. BetheBoy has the most amazing sense of self and sense of humor and I know with his family and amazing wife he’ll get through something I 1-can’t imagine and 2- will not be able to deal with, ever. All I can do is this:

In respect of one of my favorite bloggers/human beings/friends I’m doing a blog moment of silence.

You won’t hear from me again until Monday. I can’t do anything else, but I want to do something.

I really don’t own CD’s anymore. It’s more of a digital thing in my house, mostly due to space. Trust me when I say I used to have THOUSANDS of discs. Over the years I’ve sold off what I didn’t always listen to for cash (when that was still profitable) and given away quite a bit more. I just don’t have the space to keep all the cases, racks, etc. So I’m a digital kid, although I’ll be the first to tell you a real cd (not a burned one) sounds a million times better than an MP3, especially in a car stereo, etc.

So the other day a friend of mine offered up a few CD’s to me that I hadn’t downloaded yet, etc. One of them was the new Muse record “The Resistance.” I’ve always liked this band, but I never went out of my way to seek out their music so I can’t really tell you if in the grand scheme of things if this is a better record than past records. What I can tell you is that this is the first time I connected with one of their songs.

Last night, after an especially weird day and a semi strange night, I popped the disc in on the way home. Driving down the 101 around 10 last night through the fog, letting this play, I found my new current favorite song.

“Undisclosed Desires” – Muse

I know you’ve suffered
But I don’t want you to hide
It’s cold and loveless
I won’t let you be denied

Soothing
I’ll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you’re wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it’s done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it’s done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty’s not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

—————-

“The Resistance” is in stores and all up in your ear holes now. Don’t fight it…